Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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