you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
