Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
you're hired as official boob wrangler
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
