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You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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