That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
