I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
