Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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