I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
