It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
cat food counts as protein by the way
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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