Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm way too hungover for life right now
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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