is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
