even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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