ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Mom said you looked used
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
