he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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