i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
