So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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