There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
