Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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