i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
