I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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