new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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