Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
