This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I think I sprained my soul last night
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
