My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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