my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Pants are for mortals
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
