Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
