Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
