This is not my ceiling
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
