its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
