Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
