I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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