I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
