I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Can I color on your dick again?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
