I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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