If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
