Sponge bath it is.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
