OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
