we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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