Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
