i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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