if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
