The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
