grandma shit on top of the toilet
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
