Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
