Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Ketchup is God's man juice
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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