Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
