I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
