My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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