I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
