why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
