Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i think i just lost a toe
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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